Blackened Love....

It was a rainy day, and as usual, I sat on top of the large window sill, leaning my back against the other window sill that moved horizontal.

I enjoyed looking out at the view on a rainy day. My mom would always scold me for sitting in the large window, inches away from litteraly falling off. My mom always said one day you will go "SPLAT". I laughed at the thought of it, but only for a moment.

I sniffed the air and a fresh scent quickly filled my nostrils. There was also a faint scent of bluebarries, probably from my turquoise colored hair. A cold chill of wind along with rain swept across my soft, pale face. In my imagination, it felt like the rain was weeping...,weeping like I am on the inside.

I closed my dark eyes and started remembering that day.
I remember the feeling of boiling anger and hatred. The fustration of a torn apart girl.

I remember the day I was watching my girlfriend give this other guy affection. She teased him alot, and felt in a way she was doing sexual things to him. The guy called her his b*tch, and she agreed to it. She always sat in his lap and did more strange things to him, like they were friends with benefits. I found myself upset, and looked away, back down at my white cell-a-phone. I deleted the message I was about to send to my girlfriend about something. I wanted to send it to her but she wouldn't care. She was to busy f*cking with another guy.

I remember that thought in my head well. The thought of fustration and anger soon kicking in. Another memory then shrouded my mind....

This day I felt shitty, and thought I was paranoid too. My friends asked me a question. A question that almost made me scream. They all asked, all wondered, "Is she really dating you? Does she even love you?". This made me very upset. At that point I couldn't say a word, nor make a sound. I just stared at the table. They all thought she was dating that guy, until I said something. My friends noticed that she was giving everyone else affection but me. Why?

Another memory came. On January 11, 2013.

I was told she was cheating on me awhile ago with someone else. They all said that I should end it concidering she clearly doesn't love me. They all said that she was just playing me. I thought the same thing. At that day, we broke up, but my ex-girlfriend was never much of a girl who had the balls to say it to my face. So I was left unable to tell her how I felt. The things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her how much she made me suffer.

I never asked for a fairytale. I never asked for to much, but only to have affection. To be loved like in many relationships. I never wanted sex, nor an everday kiss. I wanted just three words to be heard from her very lips.

I encouraged, and gave her all the affection I could. All the love I could spill before she sucked me dry. Before I couldn't speak to her anymore. When it came to the day that I felt sucidel. All I could think of was dying, thinking that I was not good enough for her.
I lost my will to fight, although my friends do their best to bring it back.

I reopened my eyes, as my dilated pupils went back to the normal adjusted size. I looked out the window. My iris changing its colors from greys to blue. A blackened sickness of sorrow and hate came over me once more. I felt lost and alone. All I could think about was dying. I felt my suffuring growing more and more, as more blackness filled my gut.

My breaths made cold clouds into the air. The sound of pounding rain still filled my ears. A tear stroked down my cheek, as questions filled my head once again. My heart felt sore and I closed my eyes my eyes again, whispering to myself.


Why didn't you just say you hated me?
Or why couldn't you just say,


"I love you".